I found this list on another blog and thought it would be helpful to post. I have had a lot of people tell me they just don't know what to do for me, so here you go! I loved this list and I added a few things to it as well...
1. First and foremost TALK about the loved one who's passed. Even if it uncomfortable at first, it will become easier.
2. If you didn't know the person at all or very well, ask to hear about them and learn of them through stories.
3. Don't ever put a time line on someone's grief.
4. Saying things like, "They are in a better place," or "This too shall pass..." really isn't comforting. It makes the bereaved feel like the place they had with them wasn't good or that the pain will go away eventually.
5. If you don't know what to say, just say, "I'm SO sorry you have to go through this."
6. If the person needs to analyze the circumstances surrounding the death, let them just talk and rehash anything as many times as they need to.
7. Don't assume they are ever "better." It never gets better and will be a part of them for the rest of their lives.
8. Don't underestimate how frazzled, abscent minded & spacey grief can make you.
9. Pamper them if you have means. Retail Therapy works great! So did pedicures and getting my hair done, I felt awful on the inside, at least I could try to feel good about me on the outside.
10. Love notes. Emails. Thinking of You cards. Thinking of the bereaved person cards.
11. Do not, I stress Do not get offended if your loved one doesn't answer his/her phone or return your calls. Don't assume that they don't appreciate your effort. It's just that someone bereaved doesn't want to put on a "happy voice" and burden everyone with their grief.
12. Most bereaved people will not offer information on how they are doing unless they truly feel like you want to know.
13. Validate.Validate.Validate. Please whatever you do, don't compare your loved ones loss to someone elses' "harder loss". Every loss is hard. Comparing makes the person feel like they shouldn't struggle because it could be worse.
14. Serve. Even the smallest act of service makes a huge impact.
15. Just make sure they know you love them. Be a shoulder to cry on.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Grief List
Posted by Stock Family at 1:54 PM
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20 comments:
A lot of that stuff I would never have thought of. Thanks for sharing :)
I'm so glad you posted this! Some people, including me, just don't know how to help or react.
One thing that really surprised me about losing my sister (can't believe it's been 10 years), is that I still think of her every single day. And how grateful I am for that. I wouldn't want it any other way. Of course it was hard in the beginging, but years later, I realize that all I have in this life, is the memories that we made together. Of course, losing a sister is NOTHING compared to losing a spouse, but how lucky that you get to see him everyday through your sweet kids. And of course, how sweet will be that reunion one day when you meet him in Heaven. :)
You've been so strong Kari, and I hope that you realize what a beacon of unwavering faith and strength you have been to those around you.
Thanks for posting this. That is very helpful. I especially struggle knowing what to say or do. We are still planning to go to Kim's on wednesday. Hope you can make it too.
Sorry, that last comment was from me, I was just signed into Shaun's account.
Thanks Keri! My friend emailed me your post and I copied to onto my blog too! I would be interested to know what you added personally... every part is amazing though, and so right on.
I struggle with what to say or do for you daily Kari, thank you for posting this.
I love thinking about all the funny things Skylar would say when I'd go to your house. I miss his sarcasm.
Thank you for just being you. You have always been an amazing sister Kari, I love you and your family so much!
That is an amazing list, thank-you. I am so sorry. And am thinking about you..still. I hope you are feeling the love around you. Thinking about you and your family all the way in Washington. Love, Mindi.
Kari~
Thanks for sharing that! It is hard at times to know what to do or say.
We love you and thank you for your amazing example!
The Schlinks
Thanks for the list. I really needed the tips. I think about your family almost every day and get frustrated because I feel inadequate in trying to help.
Thanks Kari, I wondered and didn't want to offend or totally make everyone uncomfortable. Love ya.
Loved the list.
You and your family are always in my thoughts. You are one incredible woman. (P.S. I LOVE to read your facebook status with your little one's daily comments, they brighten my day at work.)
Thanks for sharing.
thanks for sharing that kari. at stephanies' baby shower i asked your sister how you were doing because i too don't know what to say or do. i think of you everyday and pray for you. i am so sorry you have to go through this. i hope you have a great day.
You and your family are just so awsome. We love you so much. Thanks for sharing this with us.
Atwood's
good idea posting this list! Some people just naturally know what to say and what to do, others have no idea (including me). I think about you all the time Kari! I wish I could have known Skyler. Maybe some day you can tell me all about this wonderful husband of yours. :)
Kari,
Loved the list!! I think about you often and still pray for you and your family its the only way I know how to help! I'd love to get together with you soon too!! Its been way too long! I'm sure you don't feel like it but you are an inspiration to many people including me! Love ya Kari!!
Hi Kari, I am sure you probably don'e remember me, but I am Kelyn and Brittney Kivett/Sandalls cousin. I want you to know that even those you don't know are thinking about you. I keep you in my prayers daily because I can't imagine what you must be going throgh. Your husband sounded amazing and your children are beautiful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It brings strength to all who read them. Have a happy day!
thanks for sharing this Kari. i have been wondering about all of these things with you and also with a friend in my ward who lost her husband last summer. i am now her visiting teacher and sometimes i just don't know what to say.
I love you, cousin!
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